Thursday, November 17, 2011

Edmonton Oilers Postgame 18: Eye Raped

I don't know who this is, but this was my exact face
after period one
I imagine there is a moment in every rape victims life when a some small, innocuous happening brings all the feelings of revulsion and helplessness bubbling back to the surface even against all efforts to the contrary. Well the Oilers raped me for two seasons, and tonight's game was the brush of stranger's fingers across the back of my neck. It was the part of the movie where I curl up in the fetal position in my shower, fully-clothed, and mix my warm tears into a cold shower. It was my fault. No one was making me watch the Oilers. I was asking for it, considering they had been so bad for so long. I deserved it!

I don't even really want to get into the details - I mean, I will, but it's just going to be a big rant, so screw you and read it. This was a turd-cake with shit frosting, sprinkled with crap nuggets. We managed a pathetic 24 shots, against a team that has the 4th worst defence in the league. Our goalies couldn't stop a three-legged turtle, and the official I-want-to-wear-Khabibulin's-jock-on-my-face fan club has disbanded. More Dmen down to injury, slumps spiraling into infinity, and finally, all of the bad mojo that pustulated on the flesh of the former franchise is forming red bumps underneath the skin once again.

For a moment, the Oilers played the game as I expected them to: a team that had lost 3 in a row on the road coming into their home barn with a throaty, anxious crowd awaiting them. For the first 7 minutes they ran the Senators ragged, like the eventual lottery team should look like. And then a couple fuck-ups, and the Oilers lay a couple eggs in their own zone and voila it's 2-0 after 9 seconds of giving it to the neighbour's dog. I'm not sure what the game plan was, but if it was 'play like pantywaists and allow AHL talent to walk all over you', then mission accomplished on this night. Because that's what they did. All of that jump and fire immediately vanished from the Oilers game, and aside from Nugent-Hopkins, the rest of the team folded up shop and boarded up the windows for the hurricane known only as Zenon Konopka.

Zenon fucking Kenopka scored against the Oilers tonight. His career high in the NHL is 4 goals, and over his last 208 games, he's scored 9 goals. Dubnyk looked like a downs-syndrome breakdancer on the goal, but really the game was long over at that point. I was already beyond frustrated at Debrusk who was making fucktarded statements like 'they have really put the pressure on the Oilers tonight'. Oh you mean their MONSTER 3 shot second period? No, no, wait you mean their POWERHOUSE 6 shot third period? Perhaps it was their relentless physical game led by Michalek, Spezza, and Da Costa? Give it a rest Debrusk - I give Ottawa no credit. We sucked hard enough that we might have lost to a WHL team tonight.

After the game Renney had a couple of quotes that further pissed me off:

"We had a good first period going and then they got their 2-on-1 goal and we didn't do a good job recovering." - Coach Renney
Gee you think? He also mentioned that Jeff Petry's hurt hand is getting x-rays, but he thinks it will be fine. The last time he said someone was going to be fine, it was Whitney, and he missed a month. I'll take my medical information from Renney like I'll take my Rhinoceros cock, none at all please.

Not much point in doing a write up on individuals tonight: everyone sucked.


Zenon fucking Kenopka.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.


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