Sunday, February 13, 2011

Edmonton Oilers Postgame 56: What's Below Rock Bottom?

This duck scoffs at the oil spilled all over him.
You know that time when you were wasted and had to take a shit? You go into the dirty, stinking stall, doff your britches, and right as you start dropping the monkey leg, the nausea you have been fighting off finally overwhelms you. You cross over from the 'it's fine as long as I keep spitting' into vomiting all over yourself.

That, my friends, is an analogy of the Oilers play tonight. They tried to take a shit, but ended up vomiting all over themselves. So, what's below rock bottom? The Edmonton Oilers.

Ask yourself this: is it possible the Oilers could be at a worse place after game 56? We have the following 'worst of' categories:

  • Worst points percentage
  • Worst Power Play
  • Worst Penalty Kill
  • Worst Goals against per game
  • Worst faceoff percentage
  • Bonus: Second Worst Goal Differential
 That  is a serious heavyweight list of suck. I couldn't even imagine we'd be quite this bad. I had predicted 12th in the west before the season started, and I could have forseen some dips into the lottery but this is below last years pace, a team that featured Patrick O'Shittycock and Ethan "Mutant-Eye" Moreau. Based on our league worst 0.357 points percentage, we are on pace for an awe-inspiring 59 points. You have to go back to the '06-'07 Philly Flyers to find a team that was that inept (they finished with 56 points, 22-48-12). That Philly team had 101 points the following season.

I mean there is sucking, and then there is getting same-sex raped and then donkey punched. The problem with us sucking SO badly is that we are already supposed to start seeing the turn-around here. The rookies have gotten their feet wet, and the team has been fairly stable for the recent stretch. But my lord have the Oilers been awful since Whitney went down. I do think the problems start in the back end, but also puck possession from faceoffs, and centers who are not performing are serious concerns.

Some people have questioned the safety of Tambellini's job, but I will repeat what I said earlier. I think he is safe regardless of what happens this year, and probably next year as well. If the Oilers are not clearly on a path to a better place, I would hope that the calculated ruthlessness that made Katz into a billionaire will kick in and we will see our soft-spoken leader replaced with an intelligent, callous, and cold-blooded GM. Some who can hone all of this unrefined ore into weapons of mass outscoring.

The team evaluation after the hop.

The Team - Sucked.


The question isn't, are they bad, the question is are they the worst Oilers team ever? Let's fucking hope not, as I'm getting tired of having my eyeballs raped by unwatchable, crap hockey product. The line in the sand is 60 points, and we have 20 to go. 21 points in 26 games, a pretty daunting prospect.

Dear Edmonton Oilers,

Get your shit together, and get it together fast.


The Fans who watch your horse-semen-swill product.


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