Sunday, January 2, 2011

Edmonton Oilers Postgame 37: The Paris Hilton Story

Yes, I made this extra large to help assuage some pain;
admit it, it works
Sometimes the Oilers are like Paris Hilton: They look pretty good on paper but really don't do much in real life. It just so happened that Paparazzi Princess: The Paris Hilton Story was on Global Edmonton concurrently with the second period onwards, and I was trying to figure out what was worse: the quality of that absolute turd-brick of a movie or the Oilers offensive attack. It's one of those Special Olympics situations: even when you win, you're still retarded*.

*tasteless joke warning

I have to admit, I was fairly sure this is exactly what we would see a game after Whitney got sidelined with some by-product of his below-the-knees mutant-tendon physiology. You take away 25% of our creamy peanut-butter puck movement from the backend and ask the same of the Strudwicks and Fosters of the hockey world, guess what, there is going to be more rimming than a Max Hardcore video (and no, I'm not linking it - if you know what that is, GRYS).

The final shot count was 30-17 (but mostly from the 19-3 first period) and I even felt that was a bit generous to the Oilers. To my eyes we were second best at everything tonight. I'd be surprised if Flames writers are lauding their success tonight, however. They were one notch of suck better than the Oilers, indicated by their measly 11 shots through the remaining two periods and their total lack of offensive creativity in the Oilers zone. In reality ONE lucky bounce was all the extra offence they could muster, and shutting down the Oilers offence got progressively easier with Eberle out and our blueline inept at moving the puck out of our own zone. I will eat my own f--king dirty sock if the Flames make the playoffs.

As if to spit on us the #HockeyGods decided to bequeath Eberle with some sort of slippery knee ankle injury. Kotalik is a major league plug, and absolute non-entity in North American hockey at this point in his career, and he has to reach his grubby little hands out and trap Eberle against the boards right when he's in a compromised position - I didn't get a great look at the replay but it almost looked like there was some foul play on the hit. How is Kotalik still receiving a multi-million dollar salary?

In reality the Flames are a poor enough team that the Oilers had an adequate chance to win the game and completely saw off their typical trifecta of suck (outshot, no PP goals, scored on first), by potting a PP goal with 60 ticks on the clock. Inexplicably we overpass the puck, force it into bad areas, and barely manage one good chance that Hall misfires on. And then the real cream in the jeans moment comes when the multi-million dollar engine of discombobulation manages to get a too-many-boys penalty and bring the draw back into the Oilers zone. Where is Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann when you need him?

Alas, I didn't even have the anger to smash my crappy CRT tube TV with a well placed remote control fastball. Who are we paying to organize special teams, and why do they still have a job?

Individuals and a wrap-up after the jump.

Dustin Penner - He was the best player on the ice, and went He-Man on the first goal like only DTrain can: shrugging of JBoverpaid and slipping the love potion to Gilbert in the slot through a hapless Flames body. Gilberts pass was nice too, but thats vintage Eric Lindros right there: big body, soft pass. When he's going half of the Oilers male fanbase can't help but get a little bicurious. The problem is, hundreds of games into Penner's NHL career, we still can't figure out what makes Penner tick.

Jordan Eberle - Damn you Hockey Gods, damn you.

Shawn Belle - As if to toy with us, there was one moment when Shawn Belle skated to a puck in the Oilers corner during a flames change (i.e. no flame in world record spitting distance) and he put the absolute after-burners on. I was sitting there, thinking to myself, HOW IS PECKHAM SKATING SO FAST**! (** 'noracist' - it works the same as calling 'nohomo') Then it clicked in that it was Shawn Belle. Guy has tremendous athletic gifts, but I didn't see much of a mental game that led me to believe he can be anything but a replacement player. I'm still convinced he's a much better option than Strudwick. Side note: is racist, however, as they don't have him on the game sheet and he definitely played.

Nikolai Khabibulin - Both chances that went in on Khabi were high quality, and while he might have stopped Jackman's, it was a deke in close and who is to say that any goalie in the league would have stopped it in his place. He was a non-factor in the Oilers losing.

Sam Gagner - Mature game from him tonight, he was +1 with two shots in 18:15 of ice time. He's making good touches in general and made no real blunders. He can be a very efficient second line center when he's left to his game.

Taylor Hall - Not his best game. Wasn't as much jam to his game as we've seen in some and his penalty was not a great one (not a great call, either, however considering they were letting almost everything go and call Hall for ticky tac shit and let his opponents get away with the same shit on Hall /rant). 18:44 of ice time, still had some decent chances however. Just another day in the learning process for Hallsie.

Ales Hemsky - He's not going to have many successful nights with Cogliano as his center and there is one PP in the game. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Ryan Jones - He plays a simple game, and full credit for the finish on the Oilers only goal. For a free player, and looking like a good shot at 20 goals, he's full value.

Kevin Weekes - I just HATE this guys commentary. If he's not showing off his blatant disregard for proper hyperbole (Giordano blocking a shot 'in the butterfly' was 'Simply Marvelous' or some such f--king nonsense), he's making some asinine observation about simple game mechanics and then immediately attributing the current play to the observation. 'Oh and here you see the Flames using great passing to penetrate the Oilers zone, oh and you see it right there when the flames dumped it into the corner and the [slow lumbering] Oilers defender was beat to the puck'. Seriously in the country where we worship under 20 junior tournaments they can't find a more competent Color guy? 'noweekes'.


I'm sick of beating a dead horse. We need better puck movers on the back end, period. We need less JFJaques, who I will boycott mentioning if he keeps  showing up on game sheets. We need less fluke injuries, we need better special teams strategies... Hell forget it, here's some more 'good on paper' for you:


  1. Paris Hilton is strange. On the one hand I have no desire to have sex with her, but on the other hand I kinda want to come on her face.

    Also, there's no way the Flames make the playoffs, it's virtually an impossibility. Vancouver will win the division and Colorado is currently the highest scoring team in the league. The Avs are struggling now but being able to score will get them to the dance.

    Who's scoring for Calgary? Iggy? On pace for 72 points. That's only 3 more than he got last year and with Feaster in the front office you can bet he'll be shopping Ig-Mo at the deadline. Los Angeles anyone? Calgary's in for a rebuild and it's going to be a long one. Unlike the Coilers, Calgary don't have many promising up-and-comers. Calgary haters rejoice, the Flames are the Leafs of the Western Conference!

    Haha, up-and-comers...

  2. The Coilers eh :)

    I need to think of some witty shit-pun-like term of endearment for the ... CaSux?

    I do agree though. To hit 93 points (which wont be enough I dont think), they need to win about 63% of the remaining games, and with their god awful offence I just don't see how they can grind out that many.

    They also have a bare cupboard when it comes to forwards, a bloated, cap-heavy team, and an aging core. It's almost too easy to laugh at the Flames right now.